In this picture above I hid 2nd Lieutenant rank on my ACU as a symbol and a reminder of my goal, how I should carry myself and guide my thinking.  Yes, I know it is entirely out of Army regulation, but just read and I think it will be made clear as to why I secretly wear this passion.

Two days ago while on duty I had a bit of down time, so I decided to recall all of the questions that were asked of me in the first Officer Direct Commission board that I attended.  (If you recall, I wrote a post explaining in great detail how that board played out here.)  After jotting down the questions I looked over them carefully and made mental notes of the ones that required the most crucial answer.  The questions were as follows:

• Tell us what you do or tell us about yourself.
• Who is your mentor or guide at your unit?
• How do you plan to make up for the training you've missed in OCS and ROTC?
• What other leadership roles have you had besides teaching?
• What do you see yourself doing in the Army in the next 3 to 7 years?
• Why didn't you do ROTC in college?
• Why are you trying to become an officer now?

These questions were critical and very probing.  I stumbled to put it very bluntly.  However, I  basically concluded in my blog post about my first ODC board attempt that my trouble stemmed from not having a clear answer to the most important question that wasn't asked in the first interview:  

Why do you want to be an Army Officer?

So, after jotting down these questions and thinking over them, I then resorted to answering this critical question above.

I have natural passion for leading and teaching people.

I desire to be greater than I am by expanding my abilities through knowledge, trial and error, while continuing to press forward.

I believe my purpose lies within the realm of military leadership and decision-making to help serve and protect people of the United States and it's Constitution.

I know that my civilian education, teaching experience and skills will uniquely aid me in developing the additional technical and tactical proficiences and qualities needed to be an Army officer, once coupled with officer training.

Overall I believe that by serving as an Army Reserve commissioned officer, I will be a better leader than I am, allow me to further myself in higher education, and ultimately open doors for a civilian occupation with a major US governmental agency.

I wrote my answer to this question in a creed-like fashion because it makes my thoughts and intentions very clear to anyone that reads it.  I know what I am after and I will not give up!  I stumbled on the first try, but this second time I believe I will do exceedingly better to earn the boards recommendation for direct commission.

My mission is to become a U.S. Army Reserve Commissioned Officer.

Warrior Ethos:  I will always place the mission first. I will never accept defeat.  I will never quit.

Today I attended a Field Interview Board in Tampa, Florida in a final step to complete my Officer Direct Commission packet.  It was a very long day, waiting to be interviewed.  There were three officers on the board:  a major, and to captains (one male and the other female).  The board was "informal"--whatever the heck that means as far as an Army board is concerned.  ("Informal" is a fluid and undefined term when used by Army leadership for a board--don't fall for it!  What it means I have yet to hear be clearly defined when the formalities of military bearing and courtesies are still expected.  But I digress.)  

I was called up next and an NCO member of the team coordinating the interviews went in ahead of me and didn't come out for quite a long time.  What she had to say about me for that long is beyond me.  She eventually came out and asked if I'm ready, and sent me in.  I entered with the formalities expected for reporting to a board.  I saluted the president of the board, he returned the salute, I was given permission to sit and was immediately informed that the board is informal.

Right off the bat, the major introduced himself, the captains and started right into the questioning.  I was asked about how I felt about my unit, then asked if I have role models guiding me along in the direct commission process.  Then the really tough question were whipped out.  Each member zoned in on aspects of my education and experience for becoming an officer.  In other words, they focused on what I was lacking (ROTC training and extensive military experience).  Their series of questions were back-to-back and quite poignant.  I answered them all truthfully and clearly, but with a good bit of nervousness, hand movement, and looking away for thought--ALL OF WHICH ARE A NO-GO!  And somewhere in there I'm sure were a good thousand "Ums" while trying to convey my thoughts in response to their rapid-fire line of questioning.  (Take point:  "Ums" are a sign of searching and a sign one isn't sure, knowledgable and/or being truthful.  In the very least, "ums" are unbecoming of an officer, who really needs to convey their thoughts and pertinent information clearly and with a laser-like coherency.  Long story short, the commonality I've noticed among EVERY Army officer I've met is their ability to speak with a sense of assertiveness and affirmation. In fact, the best officers seem to speak in a series of well-paced affirmations.)

At the end of the day, I was not passed and thus not recommended for direct commissioning.  I was told to do another board when one is put together again.  My immediate feelings following this bad news today were extreme shame and stupidity.  I haven't even shared this news with my mother as of yet.  I will tell her soon after I sort this out within myself.

In hindsight, I am extremely disappointed in myself and angry.  I feel I should have and could have done better.  What happened?  What were their comments?  How can I improve?  Or was their assessment based upon an irreconcilable characteristic/flaw?  How did they rate my performance in the interview?  What were these particular board members seeing in me that warranted no recommendation?  This is the cycle of questions echoing in my head along with a great deal of hurt, that has my heart in my throat.  I want this more than I can convey with words, but desire isn't enough, and I NEED to be able to verbally make the case for my desire to be an officer.  I know this.

But here is what scares me the most:  I simply CANNOT clearly articulate an answer for "Why do I want to be an officer in the Army?" outside of desire and motivation.  I can only imagine that this is due to a lack of extensive military experience outside of Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training.  I have no point of reference upon which to bolster myself in the eyes of these board of officers.  

If I am to be honest with myself, I would unfortunately have to agree with this board's assessment.  I am not ready to be an officer in the U.S. Army.  In time, perhaps I will be well suited, but probably not now....evidently.

In spite of all of this, I can't accept this defeat and therefore refuse to wallow in self-pity.  I will pick myself up, dig for some detailed answers from my point of contact as to why I failed, make corrections, and try again later.  I won't say it won't hurt to try again because making the trip this weekend was expensive and truly not affordable.  But the loss of money aside, I will simply try again despite the odds.  I'm simply too angry to let this pass me by after all this time, work, planning and money spent!!  I'M SO PISSED!